Parents

When I got home tonight after work, Dad was about to go to bed again because he was feeling tired. Then, Mum told me that dad has had a pain in his chest. I asked her to show me where and she point where the heart was.

MASS PANIC

I go upstairs to see him and he's sitting on the end of his bed. I'm trying not to cry when I talk to him and ask him to show me where it hurts. He tells me that it doesn't hurt anymore but it did hurt a couple of days ago. I tell him that he has an infection there and that it's around his heart. So if he ever gets any pain there, I have to know straight away so I can get him to a hospital. I asked him if he understood and he said he did. I told him that if he ever had what felt like a heart attack, then I need to know straight away. He looked at me when I said this and I dunno.. He looked happy that I was talking to him - That I was showing that I still cared for him. So I had to say to him that I am worried about him, and that there ae some things that I have to know straight away - No matter how much he hates going to the hospital because he's scared that he won't come home. All along, I kept thinking of the time when Dr Suresh first told us about his endocarditis. He WILL die, and how he is now is probably as good as it gets. He is comfortable, but things will get harder and harder until eventually, he will have a heart attack from either the valve or aorta rupturing.

I even told Mum about the infection and she knows that I'm concerned. But I daren't tell them the complete truth. Mum was saying how she has been saying to ppl how she wants him to live longer and he wants her to live longer. I said to her that we have no control over these things, that we go when our time is up. As long as we know that ppl have lived a full life, then we can be happy.

It's strange living in the knowledge every day that he may go at any point, which makes Tuesday's events even more shameful. But I also know that he lives in the knowledge that he is loved by his wife and daughters. And I know how much happiness, proudness and peace of heart that gives him.