OK, had another scare today..

Mum's blood sugars are still sky high and it got to the point where I had to leave work to go home and check on her, and possibly take her to the hospital. Of course, all I could think about was how many times I had done so with Dad. And that sets the motion for thinking of how fucked up my career got. Fortunately, I have a better manager now whom fully understands and is much more sympathetic - which helps a heck of a lot.

So, I had to take Mum to the hospital and I couldn't help but think of the many times that it happened with Dad. How I would have to phone the sisters to let them know what's happened and give them information. Then I wondered how many more times I would have to do this with Mum. Would she be like Dad and slowly slip away from me and I would be completely oblivious to it all? Whilst knowing that she's dying still somehow believe that she'll get over an illness. Then I thought about how I would feel if she suddenly died. If I came home to find her slumped on the floor or something. Since Dad died, I've been adamant that I wouldn't make the same mistakes with Mum. I would make sure that I stay with her so that I would be there when she actually goes. Of course, it still pains me to think that no-one was there the *actual* moment Dad died. And you make all these promises and vows to yourself of how you will do things differently. But in all honesty, things don't always work out as you planned. I know that I just need to be there as much as possible for her so that she can at least be somewhat content.

So yeah, I'm all reflective now. I know that no matter how many different scenarios I think of how Mum dies. NOTHING will prepare me for when she does eventually go. And well, am obviously thinking about Dad. Just travelling to the hospital and remembering how I felt each time I went brought back a whole wealth of memories. Some happy, but yes, they're mainly sad.

On a brighter note, Mum seems a lot better tonight. I'll keep monitoring her over the next couple of nights to make sure though.