OK, I've done a few posts now.. I feel a little better.

Today was just a continuous cry-fest. Cried when I went to see him first thing, cried when I got home to tell Mum what we had been talking about, cried when I got to the hossie to see him again, cried when I got home again, cried on the phone to Hannah.

I went to see him just as his dialysis was finishing since there were a load of people visiting him later and I didn't want to overcrowd him (plus sit in the crying fest). After his lunch, I decide to tell him what the Dr's told me. He's OK about it. In fact, he said to me "San, now that you've told me what the Drs have said to you, I'm OK about it. I'm not scared" And I noticed how he was completely at peace with impending death. Of course, I start crying and he was surprised because it was the first time that he had seen me cry throughout all this. And it made him happy to see me cry in a way because he knew it meant that I was worried and cared and loved him. He kept holding my hand and kept looking at me. And well, for the first time since I was a child, I actually felt the love coming from him and saw in his face how proud he was of me.

So, I go home and it sets Mum off too. Then (maternal) Auntie is over and they all go off to see him. I get back and ask Dad was it was like "A crying fest" was his reply..

He's OK about dying, he's at peace with most things. He just worries that the family will fall apart when he dies, and that Mum won't cope. Also, the sale of the flat it worrying him in that if he dies before the money is safely banked, Mum will be destitute. I reassure him that although we are apart geographically, we are a family. And we are looking after Mum now - And we will continue to do so. Well, I told him to hold on until that's sorted then, and he smiled at me.

I'm emotional about it because I am only thinking of how I will actually miss him when he's gone. Death is the absence of presence and all that. And, I just want people to see him whilst he's still coherent and whilst he can still remember what's on his mind.