The day before...

Well, not too long to go now. I know that it's past midnight, but I should really go over what's happened today (well yesterday for the pedants amongst you)

OK, so Han arrived early this morning. Apart from the fact that I was grumpy for having to get up early anyway, I think we're all hyper-sensitive at the moment. I was very near to tears when I saw her again and we were walking to the car. I looked at her from the corners of my eyes and could see that she was pretty much the same too.

I suppose that with the arrival of Han from Seattle, the reason why she is back was beginning to sink in. Needless to say, we're all snapping at each other or coming close to tears. Han was a little annoyed that all of Dad's possessions have been got rid of - They were mementos of Dad after all. So, we went out and bought a tie, a flatcap and a handkerchief to be placed in his coffin. Han reminded me that he always had these things.. He always wore a tie - Even when he had a polo shirt on which used to amuse us all.

The house was extremely busy tonight with visitors helping to get things ready for tomorrow. Again, as we loaded the things into the car, we all felt a bit weepy. I think it was the part where we were reminded how when the cortege arrives at home, we just need to call out "Dad, you're home now".

I's hard to completely describe what I am feeling at this particular moment. Obviously I am emotional. I keep telling myself that I need to do things right because this is the last time I can do something for Dad. It hasn't quite sunk in that he is being buried tomorrow. It's still strange because of how I've always been told how death is the absence of presence - Yet he wasn't home for the last two months of his life.

I was saying to YKL earlier how I have been thinking about Dad's smile recently. Vanya and the others on Ward 3 have always said that he had a lovely smile - Yunno, a smile that lit up his face. And I've been thinking about that smile. The photo that we have of him is one where he's smiling - But not completely. I remember how one time when I went to visit him, he was asleep and I lent over him and prodded him awake. He looked up at me and was alarmed to see my serious face, then I smiled and he started smiling :) I think it was only then that I realised what Vanya meant about his smile lighting up his face.

I'm getting a bit weepy thinking about things now, but I need to focus myself really for tomorrow. I may not be allowed to burn incense to him, but he knows that we have all bought a lot of things for him and well, he knew at the end of his life that we all loved him and that we would all take care of Mum and each other - We owe that much to him as part of his legacy. It's going to be an emotional rollercoaster tomorrow I'm sure, but I know that he will be in a better place for it.