OK, I'm quite freaked right now.. Didn't sleep much last night as expected because of the impending appointment. But the one point I *did* manager to get some sleep, I had a rather disturbing dream. It's not disturbing in that it features one legged dwarves or something. But more so because of how I feel right now... My Dad was in my dream. I remember being shocked in my dream to see him and thinking to myself "I've GOT to be dreaming". Then I wasn't too sure and wondered if a miracle really was possible in that he had come back to life of this ghostly apparition of him was indeed, very lifelike. It was only when I held his hand and felt how again, very lifelike it was in that they were big hands, the skin was quite fragile like most old peoples, and more to the point - They were stone cold. Just like they were in the final few weeks of his life. It was only when I held them that I realised that he was still dead and he hadn't miraculously come back to life. I remember being quite hesitant about holding his hand, and he said to me "trust me". Strangely though, even though I realised that he was still dead and that saddened me, in no way did I feel threatened. It was almost a calming thing seeing him.

Now, I've been talking to him a fair bit recently. Especially since Mum discovered the lump. I've been telling him to make sure that the lump is harmless because he and I both know that she won't survive if it is cancer. And I've told him to stop being so selfish and wanting Mum to join him (in what I feel is) prematurely. However, I have to accept when her time comes.

OH SHIT! Just realised something else about the dream I dreamt that one of my sisters had died too, and she was saying that she was actually supposed to died 2 months before she actually did. But when your time is up, then there's no real cheating death. However, it must also be noted how neither her words nor her demeanour were melancholic - she was full of smiles and happiness (as was Dad). It was almost as if the state they were in now was a natural progression for this mortal life and they felt better for moving on.

Right, I need to get ready for the hossie appointment. Can't let on that I've been crying. Will update on it all later