The single most important thing

Helloes

Yes, I know it's quite late.. But I've just had another one of those things that has affected me enough to want to blog about it. Lemme start by giving a bit of background:

I awoke just after 3am on Monday just past to the sound of Mum being sick in the bathroom. Now, Mum is rarely sick as in throwing up - I think this is only the 3rd time I've ever seen her being sick - So it was a bit of a shock to see her like that. I thought that it was just a one off, but she was sick again by the time I got up at 5.30 to get ready to go to work, so it was obvious that I couldn't go in because I needed to be at home with her.

Work is stupidly crazy too not only because it's the lead up to Crimbo, but also because they had a major rollout and given the problems that I myself experienced and also from people who went into work on Sunday especially to test it, I knew it was going to be bedlam on the desk trying to take calls from everyone in all the head offices trying to get through to us with their various problems. I felt bad about not being in, but it couldn't be helped.

As it happens, I was off work for 2 days so I headed back into work on Weds morning. Mum caught me just before I was due to set off and because of the timings of early morning buses, that little delay meant that I missed the bus, therefore missed the connecting bus to get to work on time. So I ended up getting a taxi and arriving at work really early which was fine given how I had emails and stuff to catch up on.

I got a phonecall on my mobile around 10.30 but as ever, I was too busy to answer it. I checked it about 30mins later and saw that I had a missed call from Mum. I phoned home and it turned out that she'd had a fall. Because she couldn't get up, she crawled/pulled herself to the living room and into her chair which probably took her the best part of an hour. I checked with her if she'd hurt herself in any way physically, but I think she was hurting more emotionally given how she's been sick, has completely lost her appetite and has now taken a tumble. Incredible as it sounds, I wasn't thinking of going home at the time, but when I mentioned to RS that Mum had taken a fall, he immediately assumed I was going home. Fortunately, PP and RS have been brilliant about it all so far - PP emailed me on Monday when I was apologetic about not being able to go in saying that I don't need to worry about the desk and to focus on looking after Mum - I nearly cried when I read that! Before I left today, RS asked me to let him know if I was going to be in tomorrow or not - It hadn't even occurred to me that I wouldn't be in tomorrow but on my way home, I decided that I would take the rest of the week off so I could stay at home to be with her. I could always dial in from home to try and catch up on some work if need be. PP and RS were quite happy with this; they knew I wouldn't take the piss anyway, but I was also keen to try and help out as much as possible given how it's not me who's ill, so this was a good compromise.

Of course, this is all in complete contrast to the last time Mum was ill and I was working in 2001 when Mum had her mini stroke and all the shit I got at the time with my then boss, too. Privately, I have been thinking a lot about that time because it around this time of the year that it happened - I remember because YKL was away in the US at the time and it was on or near her Bday. Well, her Bday is this Friday and she's going away again this year. Of course, it is completely ridiculous to think there is any correlation between Mum being ill and YKL going away for her Bday - But I can't help shake the comparisons.

I've been thinking a fair bit recently too of how when Mum goes, I'll be an orphan. She's getting on a bit now and there are subtle changes that i've noticed that worry me slightly; The TV volume needs to be REALLY loud now and I'm having to raise my voice much more so she can hear me, she's a lot more forgetful about things now (even more so than before), she seems to have even less strength in her legs than before (which contributed to the fall). I mean, they're not major things per se, but they are reminders that she's beginning to struggle a bit more. Nobody likes to think of things like this but I was also chatting to Marian, my neighbour and she remarked on how it's been 6 years since Dad passed away and she was really shocked when it happened because they saw him as being bright and lively - Moving about and stuff. I guess they never saw him in the last few months of his life when he got increasingly frail to the point where eventually, his body just gave up on him bit by bit.

So what just happened then? Well, given how Mum's not really got her appetite back and can only eat plain, simple foods. I've got her eating a couple of spoonfuls of rice porridge every few hours to maintain her blood sugar levels. She wolfed down a whole bowl of rice porridge about 8pm and was immediately sick again - It was just too much for her to try in one go so soon. So I tried to get her to eat something before she went to bed but she insisted that she wasn't hungry so wouldn't eat. Wary of her having a hypo overnight, I made a light sugar solution and put it on her dresser should she need it. I got woken up about 00.51 and it was clear she was having a hypo. SHe was on her way to the bathroom and when I got to her, her clothes were damp with sweat from her hypo. I immediately got her the light sugar solution I had made up and usually, you can tell results within 5mins. However this time, she was still slightly slumped over to one side. I immediately run downstairs to get her some rice porridge and another light solution - Trying to keep her awake all the time. I noticed how she was still really sluggish when responding. It was about 7mins now and usually, she's responded to the sugar solution. This time, she was still slumped over slightly to her one side. Immediately, I had flashbacks to when she had her mini stroke. Alarmed, I tried to get her to stay away and noticed that her mouth was slightly drooping - this only got me more worked up, so I asked her to squeeze my hand in her left hand. To my complete relief, she squeezed my hand tightly. I asked her to move both her legs and she could indeed, move both her left and right leg. The relief that overcame me was immense - I had thoughts racing through my head of how if it was a stroke, I was going to have to get an ambulance - I was going to need a long time off work, I was going to have to phone the sisters - Who do I call first? Without a doubt, that night Mum had her stroke was one of, if not THE, worst night of my life. I can remember how useless I felt - And I never want to go through that ever again. She's beginning to respond a bit more now - Her speech isn't slurred and she can even ask for things like some more food. I got her a bit more rice porridge (I was only getting a few spoonfuls at a time because I didn't want to overdo it and make her sick). She was now alert and strong enough to recognise that she needed to go back to her room and sit in her chair. Whilst in her chair, she remarked that her vision was still a bit blurred which meant that her blood sugar levels were slightly low, so I made a strong sugar solution this time and made her drink it. As is usual after a hypo, she was now really tired but I was happy to let her rest - Safe in the knowledge that she's OK and it was a hypo - Not a stroke. I mentioned to her that she got me worried because I wanted to check she didn't have a stroke and she remarked on how I shouldn't worry - She wasn't going anywhere just yet because she wanted to be with her daughters for a few more years. Needless to say, that set me off in tears and I guess I just needed a place to pour out the emotions I've just experienced. It's like Marian said to me earlier "Sometimes, you don't get on with your family cos they annoy you in some way, but you know that in times of trouble - your family will always be there for you."

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I've just had another experience that reminds me of how important my family (particularly my Mum) are to me - I dread the day that she goes because I know now that I will be completely devastated. But for now, I shouldn't take her for granted and make the most of my time with her.